Proverbs 1:22-23

I think that is the right verse. I was lying at a park in Howell today next to a lake pondering life and all that great stuff I have not done in forever, spending time with God. I honestly haven't read the Bible in ages, so I couldn't decide where to start. I decided to go to Proverbs. It gave me a lot of good insight during college, so I decided to go back to see what new perspective I could get. And right away proverbs 1:22-23 jumps out at me. This might be for many reasons. One is this book I just finished today called "How to Be Good" and one of its main messages was how so many conversations are based on making fun of people. This simple idea form a fictional book made me sensitive to other's and more aware of myself. Then today I  read proverbs 1:22-23 about how mockers are without wisdom- I know that is bad paraphrasing. And I wrote about how true that is. If we are afraid of anything or are intimidated by anything or anyone we make fun. I think there is an old fable about a fox who wants grapes and tries and tries and tries and in the end, even though he thought these grapes were intially the best thing in the world, he comes to conclusion that the grapes are stupid and worthless anyway. I am babbling, but I think all these ideas are connected. I know there is this girl at work that I find soooo annoying. She is obnoxious and pompous. But I think part of the reason I am annoyed by her is because I am threatened by her. I know I cannot be as social as she is. Part I still think is that she is obnoxious ( I am not perfect, okay!)

The point, is that this Sunday I sat with some people who the whole time made fun of a culture they didn't understand. The new more straightforward me said "Well that must have been so cool to experience something new" "Some people like different things" etc. And now I am sitting in my own living room with people are saying horrible things about gay people, kids from high school, things that they are either afraid of because it threatens their sexuality or because they somehow feel inadequate in that person's presence. It is taking everything from me saying, "hello! my cousin, who I love very much is gay! I live with two wonderfully supportive and giving lesbian women....basically stop criticizing people who you know nothing about!" I know that i just got done citing the Bible and the whole homosexual/bible problem, but frankly, I havent figured that out yet, but I know the bible makes it perfectly clear that whoever is free of sin cast the first stone. last time i checked most people in this room, including myself, have a few sins under their belt, so maybe before they decide to be mockers and not take a minute to learn about the people God made and loves,  they should take a moment and reevaulate their lives and their selves. arg. as i think i said five million times in high school. i hate mean people. which i try to always follow but i have to love God and all God's people...even if they are mean!

Currently Listening In Between Dreams By Jack Johnson mud football see related

plan? i got your plan

Never have I related to a gilmore girls episode before until tonight. i used to have these moments when i watched 7th heaven. how each episode had a sort of "theme" that would match my day or week. today was a gilmore girls "7th heaven" moment. paris got all these acceptance letters to different grad school while rory was still waiting for her letter from the NYT for their fellowship. she tries to maintain happiness for her friend but in the back of her mind she feels that "what is your post college plan?" curse breathing down her neck.  the show ends with her getting her letter, which turns her down.

today i had to fill out the exit survey for the honors program after they called because i hadn't. i had no idea it was for me to inform them of my post-college plans so they can either announce it when i get my medal or they can put in the program. i looked at the employer line- should i put down costco? no. out of the question. could i put teen voices? no. leave it blank. probably not. then they'll call me telling me i forgot to fill it out. so i sat there and finally typed in "unknown" then graduate school. could i boost up my pride and put down OSU as if I already got in. no. so put down "plans to go to OSU" it asked for me to fill in fellowships, assistantships, scholarships blah blah blah. all these accomplishments that i don't have. i have been, through encouragement from my friends who are dealingn witht he same things, been in my "you don't need a plan bubble" but then that voice that i have heard since high school "choose your college, choose your college" which switched to "choose your major, choose your major" which is now seems to be switching to "choose what to do with the rest of your life!" ugh. no one is saying it out loud, but i know it is implied.  it is going to be implied with the looks i get at the honors ceremony for being the unknown girl, all the "so where to now?" questiosn from my family and friends at our little graduation lunch. and i can just see myself bursting into tears as i say for the 20th time "not sure really." maybe i'll make stuff up. "Yeah Aunt Bettie, I'm goign to go to Alaska to write a book about eskimo pies" I have goals. not goals, but ideas.

I'm workign at costco this summer. start bringing in money to start paying back loans and maybe get an apartment by next winter. my days and afternoon or evenings off i plan on spending with my mom garage saling, cleaning, laughing, hugging, watching movies, with my friends for summer bon fires, football games, family for board game nights, church saturdays. go to muskegon for the two weeks to enjoy my family. kind of bask in pretty much the last stint of  living at home and being a "kid" althought i'm 23 so it makes me nauseous thinking about calling myself that because really i still feel like it although i feel this sort of obligation to be independent.

i'm giving myself the end of august for a deadline to find some other source of employment. one that i'll be a little more passionate about. i want to work at a women's organization, small town newspaper, maybe a basketball coach if they have me. i think i want to try to make a trip down to louisiana to help down there with hurricane katrina after math (anyone interested). i was thinkign about starting a group at WL ms or hs for girls. there is a program called girls on the run or asking if i could do "writing center ish" work at the high school as a volunteer, maybe run some application and resume work shops for seniors because i have a lot of good experience with that.  i was thinking about being a substitute teacher, which woudl look good on my resume for grad school and probably help get a teaching fellowship. see i have plans. none official that i can make the silly honors program read, and honestly, i will add getting married to that list. obviously i want to wait to see what god's time table is with that and if we are financially stable to pull it off and everything, but joe now has a deadline for proposal and if he meets that i'm gonna be a planning master and get this done for sometime in the next year. life is just better with joe by myside. we work fine apart, but we are so much better when we are together (haha! he just gave me a dirty look in his sleep for typing so late and flopped over all angry. cracks me up) most of the time we are better together then.

so yeah. i got plans, okay honors program. just none that fits into your sheet. i'm driven. not towards the typical goals of money and credentials, but an appreciation of the place around me and to follow a passion to make a difference. that is my year plan. plus, below is an IM i just got from my dear angie, which says it all

RhebeGrl (11:11:30 PM): thanks my dear

moosechickang (11:11:32 PM): after God i suppose hspace=5 src="file:///c:/program%20files/aim6/services/aimtoolkit/ver6_1_32_1/resources/en-us/smiley_yellow_04.gif" unselectable="on" smiley="yes">

Latte Foam

I got off work early today and decided my soul needed a mocha latte from Au Bon Pain and a few minutes sitting in Downtown boston to think. The closer the countdown to going home gets, the less I can sleep, the more I feel like I might cry, and the more naseous I get. I mean I am so super excited to see my family. I miss them beyond imagination, but with seeing them comes the impending doom of what to do with the rest of my life. in reality, I know I don't have to answer that question. Some days I'm content with going with the flow, but others, i am not. Back to today. Anyways, as I sat outside in the pretty chilly day with my mocha. I took the wooden stick to mix the foam around and scrape it off of the side of cup and all of a sudden, this is so strange, i felt almost comforted looking into this foamy cup of coffee. I love coffee, but until I came to Boston I wasn't that big on fancy foamy coffee. I all of a sudden felt compelled to write a poem about coffee foam. I know, i know. I thing ang woudl compare this to my "if I was a squirrel" musings. But learning how to make lattes with the machine at the feigenbaum/lipkin home was one of my first interactiosn with Linda, who is like a second mom to me and has helped me be away from home. Then it was thank to foamy coffee that I was able to spend many mornings with Evelyn C. White and found her comforting words about my future. Joe and I have also spent many weekend mornings searchign around for a Dunkin Donuts in Harvard Square having such a good time holding hands and cracking up at everything random about a sunny or snowy day.  Cofee foam has been a big part of my time in Boston believe it or not. Maybe I'll share the poem sometime.

<3

mc

better together

mama

Today i was watching Pooh's Heffalump movie, the rest of it I didn't watch last night when i fell asleep, and the heffalump, lumpy, and roo are trying to find lumpy's mama. And he gets really sad and says "i havent'  hugged my mama in a very long time."  I think taht is the first time i have ever related to a heffalump. i haven't hugged my mama in a really long time either. my  mom is big on hugs too. we are a very huggy family. for anyone who really knows me will probably already know that. but that line made me pause the movie and call my mom. i feel like our conversations are gotten real "grownup" its strange. my mom tells me all about what she did that day, every detail about the weather, every detail about each member of my family and anythink else she wants to tell me. somedays i get stupidly annoyed at it because i just want to talk to her, not to have her go through this laundry list, but other days its nice. i get to hear what she thinks about everything that i dont think my sisters at home get.  i miss her a lot though, the at home not grownup laughing until i pee my pants talks with my mom.  moms are truly amazing people. they dedicate almost every waking minute and thought to you and your well being and yet probably only 25 percent of the time do we take time to appreciate that. the other 75 percent we are just annoyed that they feel like they need to tell us how to do every part of our life.  yesterday was a 75 percent day- today was a 25. i am really lucky with my mom. yes, she can be overbearing and some times overdramatic about stuff, but at the same time she is my best friend who would go to battle for me any day and keep me true to myself, even if it means i might not like her for a while. moms are an amazing creature. sophie- the 7 year old i live with- said to her mom linda to go talk to her other mom sharon because she is the love of her life. linda replied 'sophie, i think you are also the love of my life" sophie in her cute 7 year old matter of fact way said "i appreciate that." so seriously. too funny. but not that children are in the remote near future, it just makes me think if i will ever be able to feel about another human as my mom feels about her kids or linda feels about sophie. it just seems like such a powerful love. it always seems like in sermons and talks people more often compare god's love to a fathers love. but i think they forget about that unconditional, tough, gentle, pure and truthful love that mom's give.  maybe if the bible was interrupted in a day where there wasn't such high gender stereotypes that that comparison would be made more often.  but, yeah. i miss my mama. i will leave it at that. or as my mom would end every one of our "adult" conversations "sweet dreams, sunshine mornings and smiles all day!"

<3 mc